It's Friday. Sex?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
