She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
