he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
