She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
