Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
