This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Randomize
