im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
