At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She's the barista slut.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
