the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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