Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
