Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
