I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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