that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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