fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
