Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
