john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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