I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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