On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
