one might say we're banned from that church
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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