John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
