I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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