Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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