So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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