how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
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I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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