So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Randomize
