I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
