I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
