Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
