Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We got so high we made milksteak
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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