walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
