I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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