Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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