wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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