Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
