hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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