that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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