I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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