I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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