that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
