Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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