I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I got inside last night via doggy door
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
