Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wear drunk well.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
