I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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