Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
