Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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