why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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