we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We're too hungover to prance.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
