M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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