i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
