my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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