Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
accomplished twins. life is a go
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
