Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
