He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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