my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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