Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
