the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
