do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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