I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
