I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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