My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
