I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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